Accountant jokes

The young accounting graduate, fresh out of

uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The
prospective
employer asked him what starting salary he was looking
for.

"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."

"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5%

superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home
telephone
reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000
kilometres, say a
Mercedes convertible."

The graduate sat up straight
and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are
you
kidding?"

Q: How many Accountants
does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind
?
A: None-just assume it's changed.

A tourist, visiting a small town in

Israel, came upon a statue dedicated
to "The Unknown Soldier". At the
base of the statue, a sign was
displayed:
"Here lies Seymour
Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it
possible an
unknown
had a name.
The resident replied, "As a
soldier, that Seymour was pretty much
unknown,
but as an
accountant-Oy! He was something."

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life
without
ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In
fact, she
made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win
situation.

One day while walking down the street she was
tragically hit by a bus
and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome
to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once
had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what

An
accountant goes into a pet shop to
buy a parrot. The shop owner shows
him three identical parrots on a
perch and says, "The parrot on the
left costs $500."

"Why
does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.

"Well,"
replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."

"How much does
the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.

"That one costs
$1,000 because it can do everything the first one can
do plus it
knows how to prepare financial forecasts".

The startled accountant
asks about the third parrot, to be told it
costs $4,000. Needless to

An
internal auditor for a manufacturing
group was concerned about anomalies in
stock levels. He thought
someone might be pinching stock but he
couldn't prove it. He had his
eye on one shifty-looking individual who every
day drove his old
truck out of the factory with the load covered by a
tarpaulin. Time
after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him
remove the
tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there
was only
scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to
the
tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the

Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil
company.
All day long she loved to run up and down the share price
list, laughing
and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because
she couldn't find
an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people
would be very angry if
she couldn't produce it.

"What's
wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.

She looked
around and there was a funny little creature with
spectacles, a
bald patch and shaving cuts.

"I can't find a dividend," she said
and started crying again.

"Don't worry," said the creature. "I
can find you one."

A man walking along a country road comes

across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a

while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one
of
your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that
flock."

The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't
see how
anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're
on."

"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.

The farmer
takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know
how you did
it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any

sheep."

Three partners
in an accounting firm go
out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the
tax partner and the
senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying
in the gutter.
Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a
genie
appears.

"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But
seeing there
are three of you, you can have one wish
each."

"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to the Whitsunday Islands,

give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for

ever."

Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he
is gone.

A young accountant, straight out
of uni,
applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is

interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from

scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the
man, "but
mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant.

"I have lots of
things to worry about, but I want someone else to
worry about money
matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you
offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the
owner.