Criminal jokes

Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He
got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

Late one
night, a burglar broke into a
house he thought was empty. He tiptoed
through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say,
"Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar
crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the
voice boomed
again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird
cage and in
the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you
who said
Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar

Bill: Where did you
get that gold watch
Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated
in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in
the
same car...
Who is driving the car?
A police officer!

A
mafioso's son sits at his desk writing
a Christmas list to Jesus. He first
writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I
have been a good boy the whole year, so I
want a new..." He looks at
it, then crumples it up into a ball and
throws it away.

He
gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I

have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He

again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets
an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue
of the
Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes

What do you get if you cross a bunch of
flowers
with a burglar ?
Robbery with violets !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Burglar
!
Burglar who ?
Burglars don't knock !

An English
prisoner of war was held by
the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over
the place, and okay
until one day when the German told him,
"Englander,your arm is
infected with gangrene vee must cut it off."

The English prisoner
said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over
England when you go
bombing?"

The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to
cut
his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it
over
England like you did last time?"

"Ya, that vill be done,"
says the German.

What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a

prisoner ?
A Kong - vict !

t was Christmas and the judge was in a merry

mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged
with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this

shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.