Dead and dying jokes

Phoning the florist to order some

flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked

what message she wanted on the card. "Message?" she sputtered.

"Well, I guess, 'You will be missed."' Visiting the funeral home, she
was
pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that
the card
had her exact words: "I guess you will be missed."

A man was sitting in the electric

chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to

throw the switch in a minute."
The man said, "Do me a favor and
throw it out the window!"

Question: What
did the dead raccoon
say in his will?
Answer: "Leave it to Beaver."

Why do cemeteries have fences around

them?
Because people are dying to get in.

An English guy was very ill and his son

went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to

breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last
ounce
of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping

the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of

his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it
thinking it
might be something he could recite during the service. It
said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

A chap went up to the counter in the
library
and said, "Have you got any books about committing
suicide?"

The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on
the
middle shelf."

The chap came back a few moments later and
said, "I can't find any at
all."

The librarian replied,
"Yes, it's awful. They never bring 'em
back!"

A man is fibbing
away about how
great things are in his country. Finally, he starts
describing the
tall buildings in his country.

"There is a building so tall, it
took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall
off it!"

"Oh, my God!"
says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"

"Of course. He was
without food or water for 3 days!"

This elderly Newfoundland
fisherman
is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well

boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at

sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front

page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought
in
Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three

Sons... Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is
believed
all wished to be buried at sea."

"Do you
believe in life after
death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new
employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine,"
the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your
grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."

Teacher: What can you tell me about the
Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead ?, I didn't even know he was sick !