Heaven and hell jokes

What do you call the queue of Software

Engineers standing outside Heaven ?
The Y2K deadline !

How do angels greet each other?

They say, Halo.

A famous professor of surgery
died
and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the

gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the

professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of

Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community
Hospital,
and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee
did not se it
so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said
the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may
enter.' 'Thank
you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor

Why did the angel lose her job?

She had harp failure.

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new
arrival.
"How did you get here?" he asked.
And the new angel
replied, "Flu..."

St. Peter and Satan were having an
argument one day about
baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on
neutral grounds between a
select team from the heavenly host and
his own hand-picked boys. "Very
well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
"But you realize, I hope, that
we've got all the good players and
the best coaches." "I know, and
that's all right," Satan answered
unperturbed. "We've got all the
umpires."

A Director arrives below and is met by
Satan
who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie
studio
with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors,
etc. Director
thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if
hell is this
good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie
studio. The Director
is confused. "Then what's the difference," he
asks.

Satan smiles. "Well, in heaven they actually *make*
movies."

A doctor, an engineer, and a

fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd
healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was
a sinner and was sent
to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the
homeless, etc.; but he
messed up the environment, so he was sent to
Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as
he
mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru
Hell,
Welcome to Heaven."

A cattleman from West
Texas died &
went on to the Great
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he
noticed that the
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to
the gate
keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like
Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter
and
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you
?"

Morty the producer dies and goes to

purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it
gonna
be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid
says
"Take a look at the monitor over here."

Morty goes to
the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are
quietly
floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns
to Sid
and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's
Hell
like?"

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does
and sees scenes
of young people having sex and dancing and smoking
and drinking and