Judge jokes

How is a judge like an English

teacher?
They both hand out long sentences.

When is an English teacher like a judge?

When she hands out long sentences.

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too

much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.

The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the
other
car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble. I'm a
lawyer!"

The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble.

I'm a judge."

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the

courtroom?
Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!

A red-faced judge convened court
after a
long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk
driving
who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are,
your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please
enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to

the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to

have a jury of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What
are peers?" he asked.
"They're people just like you your
equals."
"Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a

bunch of thieves."

At night court, a man was brought in and set

before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged
with a
traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the
bench. "Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear
before this court," he
smiled
with delight. "Now sit down at that
table and write 'I will not pass
through
a red light' five
hundred times."

Judge to witness: "And where was the location of
the
accident?"

Witness: "Approximately milepost
499."

Judge:: "And where is milepost 499?"

Witness: "About halfway
between milepost 498 and milepost
500."

A lawyer passed on and
found himself in
Heaven,
but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained
to St. Peter, who told him that his
only recourse was to appeal his
assignment. The
lawyer immediately advised that he intended
to
appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting
at least three years
before his appeal could be
heard. The lawyer protested that a
three-year wait
was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf
ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who
told him that he
would be able to arrange an appeal
to be heard in a few days, if the